Lifeline
by neverland-x
Summary: 'Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it, or just let it slip' Lose Yourself-Eminem. It's sad. Sorry.
1. Chapter 1

**Niall POV:**

_Glad you're getting your teeth fixed brace-face._

_Your teeth are getting better, how about trying to work on your face now?_

_I don't get why people like you, you aren't right in the head._

_Stop trying to be as good as the rest of the band._

_Stop singing. It hurts my ears._

_Will you please just get out of the band?_

_No one wants you._

I go through this every night of every day in my life as a member of One Direction.

Why? Don't ask me.

I stand up from the bed and cross over to the mirror mounted onto the light blue wall.

I see what they mean. My skin's pasty and so pale it's almost white. The others boys have normal or tanned skin. Even though my braces are barely visible, they mask crooked, disgusting teeth, and my eyes are small and squinty. I run my hand through my hair. What is there to say? I have to dye it so it looks better. But by doing that I'm making myself even more different to the other boys. Our girls don't want that. They prefer the other boys to me.

I hate myself. Maybe I just want other people to confirm that what I think is true. That's why I go reading all of the hate.

So every night I read through all the hate about me, and every night I delete it from my history in fear one of the boys will find it.

Maybe they'd be able to help me. Maybe they wouldn't. Probably not. None of them are forced to go through it, so how would they know how to help me get over it?

Maybe I should help myself get over it.

Quickly, easily. No pain, I don't want that.

Just gone as quickly as possible.

Away, and then maybe people will be happier. Maybe the band will get more fans. I think the boys would like that.

Yeah. That's what I'm going to do. Yeah.

Time to end the pain.

No one wants you. Remember that Niall. Keep going. Turn the handle, open the door. No one wants you. Why would they? No one wants you. Yes, just keep telling yourself that Niall. It'll make it easier. It'll all be better soon. No one wants you. Everything will get better. Remember what our girls said. No one wants you.

The bathroom floor may not be the most comfortable place, but I suppose it'll do. I'll be easier to find.

I fumble in my pockets for a pen and begin writing.

_Dear Louis, Harry, Zayn and Liam,_

_Do you boys get hate? If you have, I definitely haven't read any of it. People who are meant to be our fans, they never insult you, never send any hate. But I do. Maybe you've read it. It gets to me more than I'd like to show. I seem like this happy, carefree person (I know, you always say that's the type of person I am), but on the inside, I feel like something's eating away at me, because of people hating on me. I don't really know what I've done to deserve this, but apparently I've done something, so I won't complain._

_I'm sorry about this. I don't really want to, but I feel it's the easiest way to get rid of the pain. Our girls will be better off without me, they said it themselves. I hope you will be too. Our girls said I was holding you back from even more fame. I don't want that. I think that's partly why I'm doing this. I want you boys to live the best lives that you can, and be as successful as you can. Our girls said I wasn't helping in that situation, so I hope you're going to have better careers without me._

_If this doesn't make you feel any better, then don't be sad for too long. Like I said, I want you boys to live the best lives you can. So, you know if you mourn, wear black for a few days, cry maybe, but preferably not, and then calm down and live your lives. No more than a week, okay? Promise me that. Just a few days of grieving over me, and then get over it, cross the bridge, and get on with your lives. You can do that much for me, yeah?_

_Harry, since there's no one to beg for us to buy Nando's for dinner anymore, it is officially your time to shine. Get in that kitchen boy and make something delicious for you and the boys! You're the only one with skills to do it. Don't forget to keep the fans coming with your curls and those dimples and your voice. Your voice is amazing Harry. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise._

_Louis, keep laughing and smiling, just like you always would. You always made me laugh too. But not everyone knows you have a sensitive side. Keep that hidden in the next week. Keep smiling, for me and the boys. You know I've always admired that about you. Your ability to brighten up a room with your smile. I think you have a beautiful smile Louis. _

_Zayn, just do what you always do. Stay strong, and keep everyone focused on what's most important. The music and our girls. Not me. Just your careers and the fans, because they are what makes us successful. Write some more amazing music too. I think I'm the only one who knows about how good your song writing is. Am I right? Get the management to let you release one of the songs you've written. _Lean On Me _was always my favourite. How about that one?_

_Liam. Liam, Liam, Liam. You're like glue. Keeping us all together when times get tough. And if any of us start to argue, you're in there straight away, telling us to calm down, and trying to fix it immediately. Do that now, if it all gets a bit much for the boys. Just make sure they're all okay. You're caring like that. It's so amazing. You always know what to say, and always let us cry on your shoulder if need be. Keep being that kind, caring, sweet Liam I know and never, ever change._

_So, I suppose this is goodbye. Forever. I really do love you boys. You're like my brothers. No, you are my brothers, by everything but blood. Since you came into my life it's been so much better. I'm not even joking. We've had some pretty good times. Like bonding at Harry's house. That was such a laugh. So, never forget that I will always love you boys. Always. It isn't your fault I'm doing this, don't you dare think that. It's my choice. I want to do this. I want you all to live better lives without me. _

_I'll just leave this on the floor outside. Then you'll know my reasons before you find me. I'm putting on _Moments_ too. I want to be able to hear when I- you know. Okay. This is it. I love you all so much. Goodbye._

_All the love in the world,  
Niall._

The pills aren't going down too easily. I'm nearly choking on them. But it's okay, the last one's down now.

How long's this supposed to take? The bottle said not to take more than three within the hour. I took twenty. Is that enough?

Oh, no, I think it's working. They're starting to kick in. I feel really drowsy and dizzy.

Oh god, my head hurts. Ow.

I feel all loose and weird.

My eyelids have fallen shut. They were really heavy anyway, it was a relief to shut them.

My hearts slowing. Yeah, definitely stopping.

I suppose this is goodbye.

This didn't take as long as I exp-

_Gone._


	2. Chapter 2

**Louis POV:**

Liam stood biting his nails, a single tear rolling down his already damp face, Harry next to him with tear stains on his cheeks. Zayn and I had completely broken down already, clutching each other and sobbing into each other's necks.

We were all just standing in silence, awaiting the horror that was to come.

And then it does just that. It comes.

The thing we've been waiting for. No, the thing we've been dreading.

Two men clad in white puffed up suits walked through bearing a stretcher, a white sheet covering a large, body-shaped bump, unmoving.

Harry choked out a sob, putting his head in his hands, while Liam beside him bit his lip as tears burst out of his eyes. Zayn and I only cried harder, pulling each other closer.

A man in a smart suit came up to us. His badge said he was Inspector George.

"You do understand at this point we are unable to rule out murder." He stated.

"MURDER?" We yelled in unison. How the hell can they say we'd murder Niall?

"You complete idiot! We loved Niall! He was our band mate! We would never do that. Ever!" Harry shouted.

"It's obvious it wasn't us, isn't it?" Zayn cried.

"Why should it be obvious? Any one of you could have forced the pills down his throat, knowing it would be fatal. You could have forced him to write that note before doing so." The inspector said, putting some files and papers in a briefcase.

"Why would we do that? We loved him. There's no reason we'd do that." Liam scowled.

The whole time this was going on, I just rocked back and forth on my feet, shaking my head as though I was trying to block out the cutting words of the inspector.

He thought we'd committed homicide. He thought we'd murdered Niall.

"All of the boys were with me, except for Niall. He said he felt unwell," came a voice from behind us.

We turned quickly to find Simon, stood with his arms folded across his chest and frowning deeply.

"Don't you dare accuse these boys, who are the closest five people I've ever known, to have done something like that to one of each other. They love each other. Ever since 2010, it's like they were made for each other. Don't accuse them of murdering one of their own when you don't even know them."

The inspector grumbled and snapped his almost full briefcase shut, swinging it from the wooden tabletop to his side as he exited the now silent room.

"I-I'm sorry boys." Simon said quietly.=, looking down at his clasped hands.

I think it's safe to say we all understood what he was trying to say. He was trying to say he was more sorry than he was showing, he was incredibly sad, just as the rest of us were, and that he hoped we'd all be okay.

Simon was never one to show much emotion, even in situations like the one we were currently in.

He left the room a few minutes later, leaving us four by ourselves, until Paul came in.

He looked completely grief-stricken, which was to be expected, as he was the one who had found Niall's lifeless body in the first place.

"I thought you'd want to read this." Paul held out a sheet of paper, wiping his wet eyes.

I snatched it from his hand, nearly tearing it in half in the process.

All of us read it together, our mouths soundlessly forming the words Niall had used his last bout of energy to scrawl onto the page.

Harry grinned weakly through his tears as we read his section, especially when it mentioned his voice. And it really is beautiful. He was stupid to think it wasn't. Those haters were just idiots.

We came to the part Niall had written about me. I found my fingers delicately tracing over my lips. He thought I had a beautiful smile?

Niall went on to explain about Zayn's song writing. And he was right. None of us had known a thing about it. We turned to look at him. He was fiddling with his earring, tears streaming down his face as he read what Niall had to say about him.

Every word of what Niall had written about Liam was true. Caring and sweet. He's the kindest person I've ever known. Liam smiled at it. A proper smile through his tears.

I let out a sob I'd been trying to contain through the whole time I read it.

I released the paper from my grip and it fell into Liam's hands. I just walked away and sat on the sofa, head in my hands, unable to speak.

I felt completely numb.

I grabbed my phone from the table and shakily tried to tweet something that might have come close to expressing my emotions at that point:

_You bitches have done something unforgiveable. To the people who did that, I hate you so much it's unreal. To our real fans, he's sorry. So are we xx_

I threw my phone onto the table, ignoring the amount of times it went off to signal yet another mention. And it was definitely more than usual. By far.

As I ran my hands through my hair, the boys came and sat with me, which I was incredibly grateful of.

Liam threw his arm over my bare shoulder and pulled me into him. I embraced him tightly, wrapping my arms around him. Zayn and Harry curled up into Liam and me, putting their strong, comforting arms around us.

We sat there and wept for a while, trying to comfort each other, but to no avail, as whenever we tried we would only end up breaking down ourselves.

And we stayed there all night. No speaking to each other. No moving. Just tears that came in a never ending steady flow.

And no one chose to interrupt us. They knew how close we were. This was our way of getting over our loss. We needed each other more than anyone else right now. No one but each other would be able to help us through it. Because only we understood what it was like. No one else was going through the feelings we were, so it was only natural we stayed together, with no disturbances.

We fell asleep in each others arms that night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Louis POV:**

I woke up still all curled up in the boys' arms, wondering why the hell we had been sleeping like this last night.

Then I remembered, and the tears immediately poured from my eyes, though I tried to prevent them from hitting the other boys so they could get as much sleep as they needed.

I lay awake for perhaps an hour trying to stem the flow of my violent tears, until Harry awoke from his slumber.

He looked up at my teary face and his lip began to tremble. He stood up, letting Zayn's arm flop into the place where he had been, and ran into the kitchen.

I moved Liam's arm from my shoulder and hurried after him.

Harry was leaning over the sink, his head hanging above the tap and his soft brown curls brushing his face.

He was breathing deeply and in a very unsteady pattern, obviously crying very hard.

I ran up to him and hugged him from behind, just trying to comfort him as much as possible at this time.

I span him around and pulled him into a fiercely tight hug, and he put his arms around me, holding on for dear life.

We sobbed in each others arms for a few minutes before Harry pulled away and got two mugs out.

"Tea or coffee?" He murmured, trying to wipe away some of the tears on his cheeks.

"Tea," I replied, no life in my voice whatsoever.

"Two sugars with milk, yeah?." Harry replied.

I flashed a small smile in his direction.

I loved that. How he could remember how I'd have my drinks.

He handed me my cup of tea and we stood in the kitchen, sipping together.

"What's happening today?" Harry asked me.

"I-I think Simon's coming over. Just to discuss, you know… funeral arrangements." I breathed.

"O-oh."

I drained my cup of the drink, the hot liquid slightly scorching my mouth and throat as I set it down on the side.

"I'm just going to change." I mumbled.

I sprinted up the stairs into my room, collapsing onto the bed.

I rolled onto my side and saw the huge picture I had on the wall of the boys and me.

I saw Niall's beaming face, his eyes boring right into my own, staring at me, the way he would when he was alive.

I took a deep breath and felt even more tears sliding down my face.

I wiped them away with a shaky hand, and pulled some clothes out of a drawer.

I changed into blue checked pyjama bottoms, a white t-shirt and a blue hoodie. There was no point in putting on proper clothes.

I heard a knock on the front door and walked out onto the landing and went down the wooden staircase.

Zayn had opened the front door to Simon and was letting him in.

Simon was dressed in his usual white top, jeans and black coat. Barely ever different.

We led him through to the dining room.

"Okay boys, you know we're here to discuss the funeral arrangements for Niall."

A small sob escaped from my throat.

"Okay, flowers. I was thinking daffodils, because of Niall's sunny personality." Simon enquired.

"No," I found myself saying. "He loved lilies. It has to be lilies. White ones."

Simon looked taken aback.

"Al-alright then. And it's true Niall wanted to be buried, yes?"

We all nodded.

"The thought of being cremated scared him out of his wits." Liam said.

Simon jotted something down on a sheet of paper he had with him.

"Any song preferences?"

"Yeah," Harry said. "In his note he said something about a song Zayn wrote called_ Lean On Me. _Can we sing that please? And then he loves Coldplay as well."

"Okay, we'll work out the arrangements for that song. Now for the guest list."

"All his family, friends, everyone important to him." Zayn murmured.

I bit my lip.

"Is-is there anyway we could broadcast it? It's just, the fans. They'll miss him just as much as we will. They'll be heartbroken if he leaves without them saying goodbye." I pulled my sleeves further down my arms and held the ends in my hands, putting them on the table.

"That's a hell of a lot to ask Louis." Liam said.

"It might be too much money." Harry replied.

"But it's what he'd want." I whispered.

"It's done." Simon said, rising from his seat.

"What?" Zayn questioned.

"We'll put it on ITV 1. It's an important event, I'm sure they'll let us. I'll get some people on it. Meanwhile, I'll be visiting Ireland to talk to Bobby and Maura about their wishes and requirements."

Simon walked out, leaving us all in dead silence.

We followed him out of the room, and found him waiting in the hallway.

"I almost forgot to say. I got you all therapists, so you're able to get over it as soon as possible. I hope you'll all be okay." He opened the front door and walked towards the awaiting car, got in, and it drove off.

XXX

It's been nearly two weeks. We've all met with our therapist, and she's told us to write letters to Niall.

For what reason I don't know. It won't help. It'll just make us think he's still with us.

"I'm going out," Zayn said, pulling his coat from the stand in the hall. "Ant and Danny are down in London, so we're going for a few drinks."

"Be careful." Harry said.

"I will," Zayn shouted, and we heard the front door slam behind him.

I bit my lip, which Liam obviously noticed.

"It's his way of getting over things, don't worry. He wants to take his mind off of it, so he's just going out for a bit of fun."

I gave a quick nod, and Liam pulled me towards him for a hug. I reciprocated, and Harry came and joined in with us.

So again, we sat there, just letting the tears fall, until the phone began to ring, goodness knows how many hours.

Harry went over to it.

"It's Zayn."

He picked up the receiver.

"Hello?" he sniffed.

"_Is this Harry?" _A girl's voice said.

"Y-yeah? Who are you? Why are you on Zayn's phone?"

"_Oh god, I don't know how to say this. Me and my friend just found him at the side of the road. He's unconscious. We've already phoned the ambulance."_

"Th-thank you. Where are you?"

"_Abbey Street. Please get here soon."_

Harry slammed down the phone.

"I'll drive." I said

XXX

"Another flipping tragedy in two weeks. What the hell is wrong with our lives?" Liam said, running his hand through his short hair.

Neither Harry nor I replied.

Maybe because we were too busy slapping the up button on the lift to the first floor.

"Jesus, it's not coming." Harry cried.

"Stairs," I said.

We sprinted up the steps as fast as we could, reaching our destination within fifteen seconds.

Ward 13 was just up ahead. We ran to the door and pressed the buzzer.

"_Hello, Katherine here, how may I help you?"_

"We're here to see Zayn Malik?" I said.

"_Oh yes, Mr. Malik. Do come through."_

We heard a click and when we pushed the door , it opened easily.

Running down the corridor, nearly colliding with a young nurse, we reached the room Zayn was in.

Room 5.

We pushed the door open hesitantly, and saw Zayn lying in the starch white bed, his chest moving slowly up and down and his eyes closed.

We walked to his bedside.

"Zayn?" Harry whispered.

No sound or movement came from the Bradford boy in reply.

"Zayn." Harry said more urgently.

Still no reply.

"Zayn!" Harry cried, falling forwards onto Zayn's silent body.

"D-do you want us to go Harry?" I asked him, shoving my hands into my pockets.

Harry turned around.

"You wouldn't mind? I have something I need to say."

I nodded and Liam and I walked out of the room, leaving Harry to say whatever he needed.

**Harry POV:**

I coughed quietly.

"I feel a bit stupid right now Zayn. It's like talking to a stone. You can't respond, you can't even hear me. But I need to tell someone, and tell someone I will," I begin.

"Zayn, I'm really confused. I see girls everywhere, think they're fit, and they are. God they are, Zayn. If we're in a club, I go dancing with any random girl I think is hot. But then I see you, walking towards me holding a couple of bottles. And everything I feel for them girls melts away. As soon as I see you, everyone else fades away, and you're all I can see."

I take a deep breath and continue.

"I see you. I see your crooked smile, directed at me. I love the way one corner of your mouth curves upwards, and the other refuses to move, remaining stationary. Your cheeks flushed pink from the heat of the bodies and the loss of energy from dancing, and your warm chocolate brown eyes gleaming with excitement but still weak from staying up so late, and your long eyelashes curving over them."

I laugh quietly to myself.

"I think it might be obvious after all that was just said, but in case it wasn't, then I love you. Zayn Jawaad Malik, I love you with all my heart. I'm not sure how long I've felt this way; I just know that I do. I even love the little things. I love every tiny detail of your being. You may not think it, but you are absolutely perfect, especially to me. Most people don't know how funny you actually are, but you are the funniest person I know, save for Louis, because he's just insane. Not at the moment though. He's really taking it hard with Niall, isn't he? I hope he'll be okay, because if not, the band will surely fall apart."

Harry sighed again.

"I really love you Zayn."

XXX

**Louis POV:**

Both Liam and I arrived back to lay our eyes upon the site of Harry clutching Zayn's hand with both of his, stroking the back of it with one of his thumbs.

When he noticed us watching him he sprang away from the bedside, nearly sending the coffee we'd bought him flying into the air.

_Beep, beep, beep, beep._

Doctors and nurses jogged into the room, pushing us away from Zayn's body and trying to pump life back into his body.

"Paddle please."

Tears spurted from the corner of my eyes, as with Liam, but we were nothing compared to Harry.

"DON'T YOU DARE LET HIM DIE! KEEP HIM ALIVE! PLEASE! I NEED HIM! I NEED HIM!" He screeched, trying to push through the bodies surrounding Zayn.

"Charge to 190. Clear."

_Thump._

Zayn's back arched, and Harry paused momentarily, attempting to comprehend the unnatural manner in which Zayn's body had just moved.

"Clear."

_Thump._

For the second time Zayn's body was pushed towards the ceiling, the position it was forced into again making Harry flinch away.

But there was still no change in Zayn's heart rate.

Harry's was choking out words through his tears.

"Charge to 250. Clear."

_Thump._

Zayn's body curved upwards once more.

The beeps of the machine steadied out into a slower rhythm, and the light stopped slashing, the violent jerks of the line becoming less frequent.

Harry collapsed into the chair next to Zayn's bed, his shoulders shaking.

"I thought he was gone. I thought it was going to happen again. I thought we were going to lose someone else."

He stood up quickly and bent over to Zayn's face, kissing him full on the lips.

Bad timing too.

Zayn's eyes fluttered open just as Harry smashed his mouth onto his.

He didn't seem to mind though. He just went along with it. He even stretched his arms around Harry's neck and pulled him closer.

I coughed awkwardly, and Liam said loudly, "We've had nice weather lately, haven't we?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Louis POV:**

Hey there Niall,

It's been two weeks. Well, it's actually been 13 days, 16 hours, 54 minutes and about 20 seconds, but I don't want to look like a stalker, now do I?

I probably shouldn't have said that at all. But oh well! I suppose that made it obvious I miss you. And I do, Niall. I miss you like hell.

Guess what Simon's done? He's only insisted on going and getting us therapists, because apparently we're taking too long to get over it. But he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand what we're feeling.

I mean, of course it's going to take a long time to get over it. So, anyway, we're being made to write you these letters. I feel a bit stupid writing to you, when I know you can't even read it.

Eleanor and I broke up the other day. It was a mutual decision, so I don't think I'm too upset. She wasn't either. I wasn't very happy relationship anyway. Neither of us had been.

There just wasn't any spark left between us. I suppose there wasn't for a long while. I might sound mean, but I'm kind of glad we're over. Don't tell her I said that.

Oh god. I just realised how stupid that sounds, seeing as you're… Yeah.

I don't think I've stopped crying these whole two weeks.

Literally, each day I've woken up with tear tracks on my face, gone into the kitchen, expecting to find you eating cereal like you always did, but then I remember.

And the tears come. I cry for the rest of the day, the boys and I curl up together at night, and we cry ourselves to sleep.

The same routine every day, no changes at all. Except I don't eat that much at the moment.

I'm trying to think of things to talk about here. It's hard. You can't reply to me, so I can't exactly keep a conversation going.

I'll just say things as they come into my head.

I don't even know why I'm bothering with this. It's pointless unless you can see it, which you definitely can't.

Yet I'm still here, writing, pretending you can hear me while this therapist watched me like a hawk.

It's really quite unnerving actually.

Those haters need serious help. I mean, they drive you to this. This disgusting means of pain relief. They made you kill yourself Niall.

Why? You had an amazing personality. You were funny as hell, your smile lit up a room, and your laugh was so infectious, it was brilliant.

You were really kind too. You would always be so sweet towards the fans. They'd ask for a hug, picture, anything, and you granted their wish.

Your voice was brilliant. Not just your normal voice, though your accent was amazing. I mean your singing voice. I remember that time in Cardiff. Do you remember?

When it came to your solo in _More Than This_, our girls screamed hysterically, but then as soon as you began singing, the whole arena dropped into complete silence.

That was so amazing. That moment was completely breath-taking. We were so stunned.

And I think those haters need glasses too, if they think you were ugly.

Yeah, you're teeth were wonky. But who cares? I liked them wonky if I'm honest. I thought it was sweet. I was even a little disappointed when you decided to get your braces put on.

But let's keep that between us.

Your skin was an amazing colour too. I never like my tanned skin tone. Your skin was all milky and pale, proper Celtic heritage shown there. I love your fair skin.

Your hair was amazing. When it was gelled up a bit it looked good, but when it was flat you seemed more comfortable, so I think I always preferred it like that.

I love the way you had your normal blonde hair, but sometimes when you were in need of another dye job, your darker roots would show through.

And your eyes. Oh god, your eyes Niall. They were so blue. I mean my eyes are blue but your eyes… They were out of this world.

When you laughed, they would always shine brightly, and twinkle with that leprechaun charm you always had.

But they were honestly the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

I nearly forgot to say! Oh god how could I forget?

Basically, it seems One Direction are destined for bad luck.

Zayn was in a car crash the other day.

He'd been out with Ant and Danny, presumably to try and get his mind onto something else, and on the way home he got hit by a car.

They just drove off and left him as good as dead.

Luckily, one of our trusty fans found him at the side of the road, unconscious.

That was two nights ago. He's okay now, but he very nearly slipped away.

I don't think I could have handled that Niall. Not him too.

Liam's doing exactly what you said he would, holding us all together, like super glue.

He really is brilliant at keeping the peace and keeping us close.

Harry's doing okay I suppose. He's just trying to keep out of everyone's way.

He's so young, I think it's hard on him. He hasn't experienced something like this before. I'm not sure he knows how to handle it.

But he's coping.

He found it hard to keep calm about Zayn. They're together now. It's quite sweet really.

I really miss you Niall. So much it's unbearable.

And yesterday, Julie made me realise something.

Julie's my therapist, I forgot to mention that.

Anyway, Julie said I'd been using different body language to the other boys.

Then she asked me why I thought that, and I just said I didn't know. Because I didn't.

Then she kept pressurising me and asking me personal questions and kept trying to force me to say why I was acting differently.

And I shouted rather a lot of things at her.

Niall, I shouted, "I'm in love with him! I've been in love with him for as long as I can remember but I was too afraid to admit it, too afraid to tell anyone… Too scared to admit I'm probably gay. But I don't care anymore. I am in love with a dead man, and there isn't any way of letting him know how I feel."

That him's you, if it was unclear.

And she just said, "Write it into your letter. He'll be watching." That actually really scared me.

Yeah, Niall. I said it. I am in love with you.

But knowing this is only making it harder to get over your death.

I'm trying to imagine about how you felt about me, but the only thing I can think of is you thinking of me as a brother, like with the other boys.

And that hurts. Unrequited love hits hard Niall.

But, do you really think I have a beautiful smile?

I've been looking in the mirror, smiling into it to try and make it look how you liked it.

I found some pictures of me and you, and in the one's where I'm smiling and you're smiling at me, I've been trying to perfect the way I look in it.

Because I want to look how you wanted me to.

I miss you so much it's unbelievable Niall.

The last thing I look at when I go to sleep is you, and when I wake up I look at another picture of you.

I just want to remember you forever.

So, I think that's it.

I hope I've got everything I needed to in here.

I love you so much,  
Louis.


	5. Chapter 5

**Louis POV:**

God it didn't feel right. It really didn't feel right. Why am I doing this?

But at least Simon had let me wear a striped shirt. If he hadn't of done how I felt at that moment would seem even more alien.

I hadn't been eating for a while, so my stiff black tuxedo was hanging loosely from my body. It felt about four sizes bigger than it should have done.

I turned at different angles in the mirror, trying to think of good comments about my appearance. But I couldn't.

I was paler than usual, there were large bags under my watery blue eyes from the weeping and sleepless nights, and my thin frame seemed barely enough to support itself, let alone my clothing too.

I did up the buttons with fumbling fingers, and headed downstairs.

This was it Niall. This was the day we were to say goodbye to you. Forever.

But I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to leave you behind.

I didn't want to forget. I didn't want to forget all our memories, all the times we sang, when you would look over at me while we belted out a tune and smile. I didn't want to forget all the times we laughed together.

I didn't want to let go.

But I was still being forced to do so against my will.

We left the house, and camera's flashed into my eyes, people threw questions at me and the boys, snapping shots of us.

And I couldn't help it. I resolved into tears. I wasn't ready to step into the spotlight again. I wasn't ready to be photographed everywhere I went. I didn't want to be. I wanted to be hidden away from the rest of the world, never to be seen or heard from again.

We were ushered into the dark limo, and I was very thankful of the blacked out windows, giving us some privacy.

XXX

"And now a few words from Louis Tomlinson."

The vicar left the podium, and I stood up shakily, walking down the aisle, staring around at the people watching me go.

As I stepped up, I spotted the cameras I had requested to be given access, and I was suddenly even more nervous.

Glazing my tongue over my lips, I glanced at the vase of pure white lilies in front of me, and began to read from the paper I was holding in front of me.

"Niall James Horan was born on the 13th September, 1993, and thank goodness he was. He has been a very important person to a lot of people, and his life has been nothing but a success. While hoping to pursue a solo career on the music scene, he instead joined Liam Payne, Zayn Malik, Harry Styles and myself in becoming what is now known as the biggest boy band in the history of the world. And maybe we are. But none of what we achieved could have been done so without Niall. Because without him, none of us would be nearly a fraction of how successful we are together."

I looked up at the cameras before reading on.

"Niall was a completely exceptional, perfect human being. He always put others before himself, and would always stand up for people he loved, even though he was, and I quote, 'as terrifying as a baby penguin'. He knew how to laugh at himself, and his laugh was so infectious you couldn't help but laugh along with him. He was a fantastic songwriter, and though it isn't known by very many people, he actually penned the majority of songs on our second album, _Everyday."_

I took a long breath before continuing onto the next bit.

"But some people didn't think Niall was as perfect as he really was. They abused him in the most cowardly of ways, over the internet. They drove an amazing man to think he was any less than beautiful, which did a lot more harm than they may have thought. To those people, I hope you realise the effects of your actions, and I hope you live a sad life, because you deserve it. To our girls, you may just have been the thing keeping him from doing this. You are all beautiful people, and I love you with all my heart. Thank you so much for helping Niall, and us, live our dreams to the fullest. And Niall, thank you for being there when we did. We love you."

A loud smatter of applause whirled around the room, and I was suddenly aware of the fact that I had tears running down my face.

I hurriedly wiped them away and scurried back to my seat.

Liam, in tears, clapped me on the back, and Harry and Zayn, holding hands smiled encouragingly at me, also crying.

XXX

The boys and I stood on a small stage in front of our separate microphones, a black grand piano behind us, and Dan standing calmly next to it.

Josh was sitting at his drum set, wiping his eyes before we began, and Sandy smiling weakly at him.

'It's just a song, Louis,' I told myself, as the Jon began to press the keys on the magnificent instrument.

Liam took a breath and began singing the song Zayn had written.

"Broken, undone, breathless with nowhere to run, you're gone with the sun. Crying takes away the pain, but still leaves you wondering who to blame, but at the end of the day…"

We all harmonized the chorus.

"You can lean on me, you can feel with me, when times get tough, and when life gets rough, you can lean, and make it okay."

Harry sang the next section of the song.

"We need you now but you're too hard to find, still you're all that's on our minds, trying to hit rewind."

"And all we do is wait, wait, wait, for the time we finally say, I think we're all okay," Zayn sung.

"You can lean on me, you can feel with me, when times get tough, and when life gets rough, you can lean, and make it okay."

The piano had a small solo before my part of the song. I tried to compose myself before I began to sing the lyrics.

"Falling, flying, hiding that we're dying, lying, crying, tears fall through the smiling, feeling, needing, without you we stop breathing.."

I brushed my hand across my damp eyes as we near enough to whispered the next part.

"You can lean on me, you can feel with me, when times get tough, and when life gets rough, you can lean..."

We finally built up power for the last chorus.

"You can lean on me, you can feel with me, when times get tough, and when life gets rough, you can lean, and make it okay."

The people at the funeral screamed for us, applause ringing throughout the cool evening air.

The boys and I piled onto each other and slid to the ground, lying in a heap on the floor, our tears never failing to fall.

XXX

Finally at home, I crawled into my bed in one of my old jackets. One Niall had worn quite a lot of times.

I shoved my hands into my pockets and sighed, when I felt something stiff brush across my hand.

I pulled the thing out, and found a small note.

Addressed to me.

I unfolded it and began reading.

'_Hey Louis,_

_By the time you've found this, it's most likely I'll be gone. For all I know it could be years after my death, but even if it is, please read on. It would mean a lot to me if you did, Louis. I hope you're coping well. I think you'll fall the hardest, especially after reading this. I think it's quite shocking how sensitive you actually are, Louis. Please don't take it too hard, otherwise you might not be able to get back on your feet very easily._

_You might be wondering why this addressed only to you, when I already left a note behind. Trust me when I say, there's a very valid reason for it. I love you Louis. Yeah, you heard me right. I am in love with you, Louis Tomlinson, and you do not feel the same. That hurts a lot. As much as I like Eleanor, I really do despise her. Don't get me wrong, she's absolutely lovely, but the fact that you look at her the way I look at you completely kills me inside. The thing is, I don't think she loves you as much as you love her. There's love there, but not as strong as you'd like it to be. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them Louis. Someone like me._

_I couldn't leave without telling you this, Louis. Just don't think it's your fault, please. There's another reason. This doesn't play a part in it, I swear. You'll know the reason when you read the other note, but I needed to tell you separately, otherwise Zayn, Liam and Harry might have felt awkward, and we don't want that, do we?_

_I love every tiny thing about you, Louis. I love the way you always have a small smile on your face when you sing to massive crowds of people. I love the tiny hint of stubble you get in the mornings. I love the way you see the good in everyone, no matter what they've done to hurt you. I love how when you wake up in the mornings your hair sticks out in random directions because of the position you layed in. I love the fact you have a massive picture of us all on your wall. It shows how much you love us. But Louis, there's one thing I truly hate about you. It eats away at me, and is the only reason I choose not to act on my love for you. It's the fact that you don't love me back._

_Forever loving you,  
'_

I stared at the words and reread them several times before screwing the paper up and throwing it across the room, letting the tears fall.

I knew what I had to do.

I picked up the paper on which Niall had declared his love for me, and went into the bathroom he had died in, slipping my iPod into my pocket as I went.

I crouched on the floor in the position Niall had done, and fumbled with the lid of the pills.

They slipped down my throat one by one.

I seized a pen from my pocket and scribbled onto a piece of paper, 'I'm sorry, I love you.'

Pressing play, _Moments _began to ring out through the speakers.

"Goodbye…" I whispered, taking my final breath.

_Gone._


	6. Chapter 6

**No POV:**

Love: An intense feeling of deep affection, or to feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone.

This is the theory that was stated the night Louis was found in the same place, position, listening to the same thing as Niall was when he passed.

The theory that Louis committed suicide, just as Niall did, as an act of love.

Love dominates every particle of your being. It overflows every area of your mind, contaminating your thoughts with nothing but the one person you want, the one person you need in your life. Or the one person you need so you are able to actually live your life. Love is painful. It burns your insides, tearing you apart from the inside out. It weaves thoughts into your head, embedded forever into your weak and vulnerable mind. Stupid thoughts, careless thoughts, risky thoughts. Dangerous thoughts. Thoughts that cause you to do idiotic things. Idiotic things that are all in the name of love.

Maybe love isn't a deep enough description of what was felt in order for this act to be performed.

Of course, love was what was told of, but if there was something deeper, stronger, even more overpowering, it would have been put in place of love, a feeling that is simply not powerful enough to describe such a thing.

Louis felt pained at the sight of his friends together, crying just as they had been before.

Louis unmoving body had a white sheet thrown over it, Liam, Harry and Zayn stood sobbing at it's side.

Another brother had left their lives that day. Maybe it was selfish for him to have done so, but his love was too strong to be ignored.

But in the end, Louis was happy. Happy for what he had done. Happy that he could finally be with him. All in one selfish but necessary action.

As he looked down onto the scene before him he felt cold fingers touching his own.

He looked down at his hand, and the pale fingers stroking it, then up into the face of Niall.

Niall's blue eyes shined, just as they would when he was alive. His soft lashes blinked over the glassy orbs.

"Niall?" Louis asked, his eyes widening at the sight of the Irish teen.

An elated smile spread across the younger boys face as he nodded, staring back into the second pair of blue eyes.

"Ready or are you going back?" Niall asked, glancing towards a bright light in the opposite direction to a more blurred vision.

"I have a choice?" Louis asked, furrowing his brow.

"You can pass over to the next life, like I chose to, or by some miracle, wake up in your old life, and continue living as you did before." Niall spoke, in a tone that resounded the thought of longing.

Louis turned away and stared down at his friends.

"I don't want to leave them behind."

"Go back to them then." Niall said, his eyes growing sadder.

Louis thought for a moment.

"No."

Louis gripped Niall's hand in his own.

"I love you Niall. I'm staying. No, I mean- I mean I'm coming with-" Louis stammered, cut off by Niall who pecked him on his pink lips, chuckling quietly.

"I love you too Louis." Niall whispered.

They began walking into the light.

Brighter, brighter, brighter.

And so the two boys left for their better life in the light, holding hands, living together for all eternity.

They would be missed deeply, but really, they were better off together, gone from the rest of the cruel world they had chosen to leave behind.

In a world of eternal pain and anguish, love triumphs over all, in the end.

Louis suddenly felt an unknown force tugging at him, from behind his bellybutton.

"N-Niall. I can't go. I can't move."

Niall sighed heavily.

"It's your lifeline. I got the same thing when Paul was trying to start up my heart again. It's pulling you back to reality, back to life."

Louis clung desperately to Niall's hand.

"Niall, help me." Louis gasped, tears forming in his eyes.

Niall seized both of Louis' wrists, trying to drag him back into the light with him, tears rolling down his face.

"Louis, pull. HARDER!"

Louis threw himself forward with as much power as he could muster, and fell into Niall's arms.

"Niall, I don't think I can stay." Louis choked through his tears.

"I-I know," Niall mumbled, in an equal state to Louis.

"I love you so much Niall, please never forget. Please."

"I won't. I promise I won't. Never, I swear. Never."

Niall pulled Louis up by his elbows and kissed him.

"I love you Louis."

They embraced each other for as long as possible, before Louis felt one last almighty, triumphant tug at his soul, and he went skidding across the white floor.

"NIALL!" He screamed as he slid towards the blur of colours behind him.

Niall sprinted after him, but with every step he seemed to get further away.

Louis fell apart, broken down into tears worse than when Niall had actually died.

"NIALL! NIALL!"

His vision burst apart, like sections of a smashed mirror, scattering everywhere. The dark pieces of his vision merged together and everything went black.

XXX

Louis William Tomlinson had been declared dead at 10:57pm, but was shockingly brought back into the world a minute later.

Zayn, Liam and Harry were, to say the least, overjoyed that they had at least one of their band mates back with them.

But he wasn't back. He wasn't himself.

He was kept under constant guard, in fear that he would pull another stunt like before, but this time wouldn't wake up from it.

He was like an empty shell. He used to be a diamond, shining among the darkness, but now?

Now he wasn't even a spark.

Now Niall was dead, and he was alive, there was no reason for him to live anymore. He didn't even want to live anymore.

He sang, he joked around with the lads, he ate and drank. Outsiders may have said he was back to normal.

But the boys knew better.

They had known Louis for longer than those people. They knew him better than anybody else in the world.

He was never going to be the same. Not any amount of therapy would help him get over Niall.

The boys all knew Louis had been in love with Niall. It was evident to them soon after Niall's abrupt death.

The boys knew Louis was never coming back, not really.


End file.
